Year 2011

It has been a long time since my last entry (almost one year!!). I have decided to record some of the events of 2011 in the form of an entry before I forget them. I hope that this entry will serve as a bookmark for 2011 whenever I decide to look back. As many people have said before, human brain is a funny thing. When you reminisce, only the happiest memories pop into your mind. Thinking hard for a few minutes brings back the others out. I am sure I will not remember most of it after two years, so I'll just write about the good things and leave out all the unpleasant memories. Year 2011 has been an eventful one. A lot of things changed. Sehwag became the first human to score a double century in ODIs. I met a lot of new people, rekindled some old times and stayed in 3 different countries for different periods of time. I guess the best idea will be to start from the beginning.

The year had one of the best possible starts - 'A Holiday'. And it was not just another holiday. It was a week of awes@meness with KGP gang in Thailand. Thailand is a beautiful country with stunning beaches and welcoming spirit. We had a blast. I really hope we repeat that soon in some other country.

The months following vacation were tense. A lot of rejection from different places. Missing deadlines and making blunders did not help. The next big event would have to be my admission to Texas A&M, although it did not come to me as a surprise. Texas A&M is located very close to industrial hubs of Houston, Austin, Dallas and San Antonio. Further, it is one of the cheapest American schools. The decision between University of Florida and Texas A&M was an easy one. A friend of mine coming to A&M from University of Florida did help in swaying my decision in favor of A&M. 

I had to leave "home" two times, once from Pata and then from Ujjain. Pata had been like home for 13 months. All the friends and colleagues had a big contribution in making Pata a home. Departure from Pata was marked by trips to Kanpur with the one on my bike with my roommate being the most memorable one. A three match stint with my team for GAIL Gaon Premier league! (:P) still lies fresh in my memory. Good memories.

Months leading up to departure from India to USA were hectic to say the least. It began with arranging financial documents, resigning formalities, VISA interview, packing my bags from Pata, shopping and more packing. Other things like vaccination, medical tests went on in the background. For all the packing, I really thank the Facebook group setup by Indian students at Texas A&M. It really helped a lot. Finishing all these different things were made possible by a number of people, some of whom I did not even know. It really gave me a sense of confidence when unknown people helped me out. 

On the eve of departure, I was felt something. It is not easy to describe but I guess it is what everyone feels while leaving "home". It is a cross between apprehension and excitement. A lot of hopes and expectations pinned on the journey, I started out on a long flight. The first scenes of USA were disappointing to say the least. All that build up only to land at Houston airport, which is more like a train station. Personally, I always feel better when I land and enter the airport. I felt better. My excitement always peaked at the airport. :)

I find College Station to be of the perfect size. The town is just big enough to be cozy without all the cons of a city. A lot of people may disagree but I just feel this way. It may have something to do with my upbringing in a mid size town. Anyhow, from what I have heard Texas is one of the more "gentlemanly" states where people are polite and civil. I prefer it this way.

The rest of the year consisted of my back-to-school time. It is definitely tough to get back to school after a gap to 2 years. You loose the will power to slug it out after working with PSU's. But the whole group of friends has helped a lot in getting back to college. It has been a busy yet awesome semester. I met a lot of passionate people who are at the top of their profession and yet humble. 

I hope that the fun continues. I look forward to all the challenges and experiences which 2012 in store. I will surely miss a number of people and few things. But I feel that my stay will make a better person out of me.

PS: Until today, I did not realize that this post was not published. Hence, the late publishing.

Questions which discomfort me

Suddenly, it hit me today. It might have been triggered because of a couple of my friends graduating from my immediate life. I was surprised that it did not happened when I left Kharagpur. May be I was not mature enough. Today, it was suddenly the most prominent thing. I had questions which I do not have answers to. Questions which disheartens me. Although these questions are morose, but I feel that we must take time, from the usual 100m race we run everyday, to have a sense of direction.

While looking back on the good times I have had with my friends, I abruptly reached a dead end. A question whose answer saddens me. A truth which I have to live with. The question is:

What is the one thing in my life which will always be with me? 

"Me" can be anything from "me" as a person, a soul or just as an entity. One thing which will last the whole lifetime. I could not put my finger on even one such thing. I would not count, the earth, planets or stars. Neither will I take into account other things that outlive me. The reason to discount these things is that they are not for me/ with me or simple me. I was looking for a "thing", live or inanimate, which I can always turn to as my own and will always be there with me as I move through different phases of my life. The answer still eludes me.

I understand that change is the cause & effect of life. It is one of the reasons we exist today and a reason for something else to exist in future. I assume that we evolve into what we are today over a period of millions of years. We as a race have undergone change. This leads me to the conclusion that we, as a species, have made a choice or adapted to conditions in order to reach "today". From what I gather from the world around me, we are always in search of something which will stay with us forever, be it the search for a higher power or simply a search for a life partner. Be it the desire for a roof on the top or the ground we fight for. We all seek complements to complete us. We, by ourselves are incomplete beings. We all need a thing, animate or non-living, to help us through this journey. This brings me to my second question. This question puzzles me the most as a strong believer in science. The question is:

Why did we evolve into incomplete beings when we do not have a "thing" which will last through out our lifetime? 

Human mind will always derive satisfaction from the thought of being complete. I would go ahead and say that all the things around us like entertainment, fantasy, fiction, greed, love, spirituality etc., are hopeless attempts of attaining this completeness. I now feel that all our actions are directed towards alleviating this most fundamental of deficiencies.Some say that a cause or a passion is what can last through one's lifetime. But I can argue that motives and desires are fickle and they change. It may be the closest to the thing the answer of my first question. 

Although a deep passion may be the facilitator in life but it cannot be the destination. It may help us reach milestones, but will it lead to a destination. This word, "destination", is very subjective and it is confusing to me. What can be the destination if we are walking this lonely road, all by ourselves? If there is a purpose, how do I find mine! What is the method to find it out?

The most logical answer to this question may be to think as an animal. One of the basic instinct of any animal is survival. Despite several glaring contradictions, as humans our race has always handed down a better world to our progeny. This "tradition" is what I think may be the only solution to my search. The only way to have a cause and destination at the same time. It may be the only way to maintain sanity in cacophony of ignorance and comfort.

In the end, this train of thoughts have left me in discomfort. It is sort of a quarter life crisis. I feel like a rudderless boat. At the same time, I am extremely happy to see people of this generation fighting for causes and bringing changes. I laud their candid hard work and wish them the very best.

I welcome any suggestions, recommendations or your own evaluation of these questions.

September 26, 2010

26 September, 2010. 

The morning of September 26, 2010 has been etched in my memory. It all began with a small get-together the previous evening. We had a lot to drink. We had a great time watching Dabang; a laugh riot when you watch it with a bunch of 3 drunk fellows.

The next day started with a hangover. I woke up at 8:30 am with a mild headache. But what followed was worst. 

Lately, I have been spending a lot of my time indoors. On 26th, I suddenly felt an urge to get out. I was pleasantly surprised at the weather outside. The weather is difficult to describe. The wind was cool; the perfect temperature, not so cold as to make you curl but just so cold as to make you take it in and cleanse you from the inside. It was very quite outside (as it is usually the case). I lied down on the boundary wall. The surface is rough and I can barely lie down. That day, it was cold; again good cold. 

I closed my eyes. My arms hung loosely down the edge. I relaxed. As it happens in the morning, all my senses were automatically heightened. I could hear the distant birds chirping. I could hear the sound of the leaves clapping; enjoying the breeze themselves.

After lying there for an hour, a gang of crow started croaking. I helplessly tried to shoo them away, but it did not help. I with my room-mate set out to the market. As the weather was delightful, we decided to walk. The sunshine was amazing. The warmth of the rays was just perfect. They engulfed me. I felt safe in their protective cover. The touch of the rays was soft. Idling along, enjoying the breeze and sunshine, we reminisced old times. The times when we were younger.  The times which were simpler. The times when the biggest challenge outside school was to spend the 2 rupee coin in the best way possible, to buy bubble gum which gave away the best tattoo for free etc. I miss those days.

It was 9:15 am. We concluded that the deserted surrounding reminded us of the time when we went to school. It reminded us of the time when we went to school only to find out that it was a holiday; the joy we felt on a holiday. The breakthrough of our discussions came when we concluded that there is something wrong in the way organizations assign holidays. Around the globe, we hear organizations forced to declare holidays by 'ungodliest' weather conditions. Wouldn't it be wonderful if organizations gave out holidays to its employees just because the day was lovely? The weather was perfect for a holiday. That would be the ultimate HR welfare policy. The rest of the trip resulted in us venturing further into HR policies and old times; mostly unremarkable. 

We unlocked our door and got in. My phone was ringing. Usually, I never leave my phone when I go out. But today was different. Before I could pick it up, it went dead. I had 9 missed calls and a message. What could it be, so early in the day. 

As I scanned the numbers, I had guessed the news I was about to hear. My heart started pounding. My internals went bizarre. As I dialed the number 'Nanaji', I felt the need to sit down. Someone picked up. It was my naniji. She sounded confused. She gave away the phone to my mamiji. As I remember, she just said "Jaldi bolo jo bolna hai." . I said "I think, mom ne call kara tha mujhe". She replied in a somber voice, "nanaji ab nahi rahe". And I could only muster meekly "oh".  That was that. I knew that it would happen sooner or later. In a sense it was a good thing for he was suffering from cancer since last Diwali. It had become worst for the last 2 months. I just remembered the last time I saw him. It was on 12th September. I was just leaving to catch my train. Bidding goodbye, he drew me closer and we hugged awkwardly. He had become thin, fragile and helpless. It was a real battle even to breathe and sit up. Even heavy sedation did not help. Now it was all over. Atleast, he was peaceful now.

As a child, I always looked forward to visiting him because he took us to the park and always handed over some pocket money to buy new clothes. It was his way to bribe us. I still remember running away from him because when we reached home, he always hugged us tightly and kissed us. I ran away because the stubble of his beard always pricked me. I miss that now. 

He was a very kind and a loving spirit. He always laughed with us and was never strict. I admire and respect him for the way he made everybody feel at home. I rarely saw him angry and he always had some advice. I will always miss his guidance and love.